We all know it feels better, but I can't. At the hookup sites, you see profiles that say, "Anything goes, HIV status unknown and don't care," and these other guys who claim they're negative but have raw sex and bareback, and it's like, "You can't possibly think you're negative and you're doing all that with all these random people." And then they have bareback sex parties - and it feels good, I know it feels good. If you have the intent of, "I'm not gonna use a condom," then you can find 1,800 people who don't use condoms. Online, it's so easy to find whatever you want. It has to be something you hear, something you see, or somebody telling you something. I don't see people reading stuff like that. I see leaflets about HIV, but you get one and you put it away and then when you get home you forget about it, find it two months later and throw it in the garbage. Maybe there could be some kind of "H.I.V. I don't have a problem with anyone who is gay or anything like that, but I just don't connect with them on that level. If that wasn't the case, then everyone who worked there was gay, and that made me a little uncomfortable. It wasn't terrible, but I knew it was a spot specifically for gay people.
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I went to this testing spot in Harlem a couple months ago. One of the biggest problems is just finding a place where I can get tested for free, anonymously, and not have all these people in my face asking me who I'm sleeping with. And with that has come some scares, but I'm lucky enough to have never caught anything serious.
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I think I lost count three years ago when the number reached over 100. Now I'm 23 and I couldn't even tell you how many dudes I've had sex with. It's not: "I'm gonna come over and we're gonna have sex." It's like: "We're gonna chill, watch some movies, play some video games," and then if we have sex, we have sex. If me and a guy have had sex before, that's just what we do. But if it's like, "Oh, we're just going to hang out," and then we just happen to have sex, then it's just sex. I also saw a lot of ads out there that said things like, "I'm gay, I'm HIV positive and my partner isn't, and we play safe." But ads that aim directly at gay people are difficult for me because I think it's not about: "You're gay, you have to be safe." It's about: "You're having sex, you have to be safe." Like, if you go to hang out with a guy, and you're taking condoms and lube because you're expecting to have sex - that's gay. That's where I learned the whole oral sex thing - that there are certain variables going on that can make it riskier. They had everybody in the TRL studio and they had an open forum for an hour. They had this one thing on MTV a long time ago. I ended up learning a lot of stuff from TV. I felt like I had to do it for the other person - like, if I do it he'll like me or be friends with me. It was a lot of, "I'm going to do this because I want him to feel this way," or "This is what I think I should be doing." It wasn't stuff that I wanted to do myself. It was interesting and exhilarating and all this good stuff, but after I began having sex again and started dealing with guys on that level, it changed and I found myself not enjoying it as I thought I would. I lied about my age in chat rooms, told everybody I was from California - stuff kids do.
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I googled "gay porn" and pretty much went through all the previews and free stuff I could find. So I stopped having sex and started looking for stuff online. There wasn't anything good about that situation for me. But that was it - that was the first and last time I had sex with him. When I was 15 we got it on, on the floor of my bathroom in the middle of the night. It just started with, "Oh, do this," or, "How does that feel?" and then kind of progressed into full-fledged sex. This all began when I was 12 and my best friend was 15. I have a good friend who feels the same way - he avoids labels. There are so many things that come with the gay stigma that I just don't want to be a part of.
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There's a set of standards that people automatically are gonna put in your face - that this is what you do because this is who you are. It's the same thing as identifying yourself as black or white or Baptist. I don't like feeling like I have to participate in a certain set of actions because of who I sleep with. There's such a negative stigma that comes along with identifying yourself as gay.